My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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