Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
