Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sext me about skeletons
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
