Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
