dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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