The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
