Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
