new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Randomize
