I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
