Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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