The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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