Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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