My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
