Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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