1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My cat gives me a boner
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
