I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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