i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
