she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
