there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
