i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
