you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
