I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I party with great urgency now.
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