How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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