I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
