The maid of honor just puked.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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