Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My ass is underappreciated
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
