2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
