Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
