woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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