So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
