Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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