Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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