nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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