I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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