i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
