Michael Bay diarrhea
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
