If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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