In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
