when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
