My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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