I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
