I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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