life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
