i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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