He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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