I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
barbara walters just said penis...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have fence marks all over my body
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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