My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
