Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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