tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
