Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
